Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Questions?

I have been asked some questions lately that I have answered falsely.  I am really the kind of person who will do anything for everyone.  If you need something and I have it, it is yours.  Along with this goes the trait that I will not bother anyone else with my problems or needs.  This is a major flaw when you have a child with disabilities because no one parent can do it alone.  So, here is my passive way of sharing my answers to some questions.


  1. Why are you so tired? (my husband)  my answer to him, "I have 3 children, plus you, 4 children to take care of!"  hehe, smile and walk away to do dishes.  The real answer,  "Since I lost Wyatt I was given the gift of reality.  The knowledge that your children can die.  Now, you may say, well you can't live your life in fear!  If you knew my well, you would know I don't, in fact I am quite the 'jump and the net will be there' type of person.  But, there is a little voice in my head that scares the shit out of me.  I get up 2 or 3 times a night to check on my babes.  When Abilene was born, there were 6 weeks of no sleep because she was at risk for heart failure.  I am tired because I worry and as much as I try, it is hard not to."
  2. How are you? "Fine." How am I really?  "I am exhausted and sad.  Abby is showing delays, and I knew she would, but a small piece of me really was hoping she would be the one child with D.S. who would not.  Silly I know, but my reality.  I work really hard and am finally thankful for the education I have from my 'almost' masters in special education.  In fact, my skills far out weigh Abby's teachers.  Most days I am very optimistic about everything involving my kids, but I have to have days where I just feel sad.  
  3. Did you know she would have D.S.?  Yes.  The answer is Yes.  We chose her.  She chose us.  We are happy with her.  I hope she is happy with us.  At this point, when you start to talk about Jesus and how thankful you are I didn't Abort her in front of my children and expect me to agree with all you are saying?  Shut up.  It is rude and improper to discuss Abortion.  With anyone.  Especially in front of my 5 and 3 year old.  You would be surprised to know this happens all the time.  You might be surprised to know I am Pro choice.  But I find it rude to talk Abortion with strangers, or friends really.  They are intimate decisions not meant to share with a lady in Trader Joes.

3 comments:

  1. I understand what you are going through. I also used to check on my babies all throughout the night after AJ died. And I also worry a lot and have nightmares about something horrible happening to them. I am TIRED all of the time. We all hope that our special needs kid will be that one who won't be affected by it. People are stupid with their questions. Just keep on. You are doing what's best for your family and your kids and things will be ok.

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  2. Awe ali i love u! U inspire me, i dont know if ill ever be as warm, loving n giving as u r. But just know u r not alone, u have so many supporters even friends like me that can never know what u r going thru. N even though my little one does not have special needs i still check on her nightly. I am still terrified that she will suffocate in her sleep or someone will steal her in the middle of the night! N those nights she is at rays, i can barely sleep, i miss her n am overwhelmed with worry. We r crazy, but crazy in love.

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  3. WOW.. that last one kills me.. who does that.. your in my thoughts often.. you are an awesome strong Mama!!! Now when can I take pics of your amazing gorgeous fam bam!?!??!?!

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